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Open Question: What should I do? I'm very confused .. my dream or peace of mind. I'm really seeking help.?
Well, I'm starting writing this thing even without knowing whom I'm gonna ask. But I know I'm seeking help.
I'm a dream driven person. Or I was.. not quite sure now. I have (or had) a big dream. I fight for it. I discipline myself. I practice. I try. By the way, I'm a dancer who is Asian. I'm good enough to be a professional dancer, but not good enough to go over many obstructions that are placed on the way of female dancer who wants to get a job in a professional contemporary ballet dance company in the west.
And I have (or had) one very good friend. Last year he made me believe that I could do it. And we fought together for what we dreamt. But I didn't know what happened to us. He changed. Maybe he thought it was better for him to fight alone, to walk alone. And he left. Not literally walking away, but I know that we are fighting together anymore. He's on his way. And I am left here alone.
I have no energy to dream alone. It was so good to have him, to have friend walking together. At least, there was someone in the world that ensured me that my dream could come true. Now I feel os empty. When I look forward to the future, I want to quit. I can see only the impossibility.
So I turn back to religious and spiritual activities again. I used to be very into it before meeting that friend. At that time, it was because I gave up fighting for my dance career. At that time I felt it was much better to be at peace with myself. I thought of quit dancing, and just be a yoga teacher. I went to India. I studied a lot. I was in love with yoga cause it made me love myself. The networking of yoga drew me to many types of spiritual practices. So with the emptiness he left me it, I decided to turn back to it again as a healer. But the practices couldn't keep me with peace as they before. I meditated. I listened to the teachings. I tried to find peace and the word enough. But there was the other word … passion.
He woke my dream up, and now it's still alive. I can't calm it down. I'm confused. I know that my dream is too far and I should stop and live in the present so I can be with peace. And the jealousy comes to plat a part. It hurts to see him keep going on. Though I still really love my friend, it's still hurt to see him going further while I'm still here. So I can't stop. But I'm very tired, and I want peace. I know in the end we all have to die. No matter how far we go, we all have the same endings. I'm afraid I'll die with only the struggling for what never come true. I want to stop and find peace within. But what about my passion? What about my dream? I can't kill it.
I cry everyday. I tell myself to meditate, to practice pranayama, to practice yoga. But can't. The only thing that can keep me calm and at peace with myself is only when I take ballet class. When I rehearse for what I dream, when I really fight for this painfully aesthetic kind of dance. But again, I know I will not be able to go any further. But I'm still doing it though I should stop.
From the things above, you may see how confused I am. I dream to go, but maybe I should know my limit and learn how to stop and make a travel within instead. The thing is that I can't stop my dream.
After finishing this long question. I feel it's quite stupid. So thank you very much for reading until the end.
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